Aaaaand yet again, my own pain and struggles are treated like nothing. Why is it that I try to respect other people’s pain and no one ever respects mine? I never sit there and say someone’s pain is lesser than mine or that I know more sorrow than another. Everyone deals with their own shit. They are hurt by either the same things I am or different things. Regardless, they still fell the hurt, and I respect that. I don’t sit there and try to say that what I deal with is 10 times harder than someone else is dealing with. On the filp side, I also don’t take something that brightened someone’s day and basically say it has no meaning. I don’t think my loved ones realize how much it hurts me to hear that the one thing I was told was and is meaningless. I know that they want me to thing more of myself or are trying to make me feel better, but I don’t think they fully grasp the fact that what they’re telling me hurts more than how I view the situation. I’ve been waiting all my life for someone to say they felt they were meant to be with me, even if just for a short time. I’m not talking about together forever, but just that hint of destiny, the universe bringing us together to enjoy a brief moment of our lives together and be happy. But no. Of course I can’t have that be true or real because I’m just so fucking naive. I let every boy that ever tells me I’m pretty walk all over me. Oh and did I mention I should be taught and pushed to be someone I’m not? I shouldn’t let things get to me and should just push it down or distract myself because I mean ultimatelyI FUCKING LOVE GOING TRYING TO GO TO SLEEP AT NIGHT FEELING LIKE SHIT AND DWELLING ON THE PAST JUST TOTALLY GETS ME GOING.Honestly, what the fuck? I’m done. I’m just done trying to be there for people and help them and put myself out on the line just to be shot down because its not what they want to hear. I can’t. I just can’t anymore. As much as I like to think that I matter to my friends or family, I know that I don’t. Everyone just wants me to be a certain way, and I can’t be everything they want me to be. I can’t just sit there and hate someone for how they feel. I can’t just run away from my feeling because they catch up to me and beat the shit out of me. I can’t just sit here and wonder what went wrong. But I guess I can just sit here and let everyone shit on me, let everyone give me attitude whenever the fuck they want to without saying a word, let everyone make me realize how replaceable I really am.
Love and The Occult,